Thursday, March 27, 2003

How to Ruin a Carpet in Ten Easy Steps

  1. Decide to make a nice stir-fry for dinner.  Perhaps chunked mahi-mahi, radicchio, Napa cabbage, and edamame, seasoned with garlic and lemon pepper, to be sautéed in a light sesame-flavored dressing, and then served over couscous.
  2. Set the wok to heat on the stove.
  3. Chunk and season the fish, then begin prep on the radicchio.
  4. Pour a couple tablespoons of virgin olive oil into the hot wok.
  5. Say “Yow!” as the oil superheats and bursts into flame.
  6. Don’t panic.  Take the wok off the heat.
  7. Realize that the burning oil is also smoking, and that will set off the smoke alarm in a few seconds.  Flip on the fan on the range hood, and then scramble to open the door out to the deck.
  8. Come back to the stove and see that it’s still burning.  Pick up the wok, still aflame, and make a beeline for the door to outside.
  9. Say “Yow!” again as you curve toward the door and there’s a burst of flame right in front of your face.  Get outside and have burning oil slosh out of the wok, over the edge of the deck, and completely dissipate before burning anything else.  Realize that the previous gout of flame was a similar action.  Go back in and examine the melted pockmarks in the carpet.
  10. Enjoy your meal.  Yummy!
Affected area is about the size of a dinner plate.

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